A CHRISTIAN WALK MINISTRIES

Reverend Matthew & Mrs. Deborah Harper

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JEALOUSY

A relax attitude lengthens life; jealousy rots it away.

Proverbs 14:30 NLT. (Matt. 20:1-16) New material to be added

This demon can attack a family in several ways. However the most common forms of jealousy are spousal jealousy and parity jealousy. Whenever one or both of these jealousy demons are present in a family you can be sure one or more of the key ingredients of good relationships are missing and trust is usually among the missing. Two conditions creates a feeling of jealousy; when a person feels someone is attempting to win the affection of someone they value/cherish and when a person feels someone has unjustly gained some type advantage over them.

Spousal jealousy: Newly married couples sometimes find it difficult to trust each other. The most common reason for this lack of trust is simply they don’t know each other very well. They may have dated for a long time but that’s not the same as marriage. They have committed themselves to a relationship for the rest of their lives and there is no insurance policy to cover the relationship. What happens if their spouse proves to be unfaithful? How can one know for certain their spouse is faithful? They can’t know it for certain. There is no way a spouse can be 100% positive their mate is faithful. No amount of spying, sneaking around, checking up, or private investigators can provide the desired proof of fidelity. The only thing that can be proven is infidelity, in the form of adultery. So they need to be very careful what they are seeking to discover, it may not be what they really want to know. People in relationships need to take these words to heart; you cannot prove a person is faithful you can only prove they are not.

A marriage has to work on faith which is built on trust which is built over time. If a person gets angry and goes into a rage every time someone looks admiringly at their spouse they have no faith in their marriage. Unless that person change his/her ways their marriage will be a troubled and unhappy one or it will come to an early end. Constantly accusing a person of something is like prophesizing, and we know that prophesies full-fill themselves. Sometimes a person’s accusations can drive their mate into the arms of another. Many times a jealousy person is judging their spouse by their own actions. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3 NIV. A jealousy spouse should ask his or her self these three questions;

1. Am I jealousy of my spouse without any factual proof of infidelity?

2. Am I jealousy of my spouse because I am tempted to be unfaithful?

3. Am I jealousy of my spouse because I am being unfaithful?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you need to examine the person looking at you in the mirror. You have to sort out why you are indulging in these type behaviors and refrain from doing them. You may need professional help in sorting these issues out. Repent from these sinful actions; ask God to forgive your trespasses and pray for strength to resist the demons of deceit and infidelity. If a couple’s relationship and actions are honest and faithful there will be less cause for jealousy.  

Parity jealousy: Comparisons are what sets this type jealousy into motion. One spouse begins to compare his/her self to the other. Who has the largest income, who contributes more to maintaining the home, who holds the highest academic degree, who has the most prestigious job, etc, etc? All of these questions can become issues of contention and serve to push a couple apart.

When one spouse has a significantly higher level income, education, job, or social station in life, comparisons are inevitable. What happens after the comparisons is critical. Once a couple recognizes a disparity in their relationship there are generally three things that can happen: They can accept the situation as a “non-issue” and continue in their relationship focusing on the positives. They may encourage their spouse in working to close the disparity gap, which can be a risky action that may backfire causing a lot of conflicts. Or they may use the disparity as leverage in dominating over their spouse. This is where the daily demons thrive, in dissension. The spouse with the higher level income may use this to dominate over the lower level income spouse or the lower level income spouse may use it to “guilt trip” and dominate their higher level income spouse.

We need to remember, most people continue to grow mentally, spiritually and emotional. Problem is people grow at different rates. Some people are eager to grow, they read everything, they pursue higher education and training, they study, they work hard at their jobs to advance their careers and they are highly motivated. At the other end of the spectrum we have those who have reached a comfortable level of growth and are content to remain where they are. When these two opposites enter into a relationship there are great opportunities for conflict and jealousy. Let’s take a look at this story of some friends of ours:

Ronnie, Barbara and their two children were our neighbors many years ago. Ronnie earned a decent living and provided for his family. Barbara took care of the house and children. They were a solid loving family with good relations in the community. When the children were old enough to attend school Barbara decided to return to college and complete work on her master’s degree. Barbara quickly earned promotions on her new job and her income greatly exceeded Ronnie’s. Trouble began when Barbara wanted Ronnie to help with house work and taking the children to various school related activities. Ronnie refused to do “woman’s work”. Barbara’s position was she was doing “man’s work” by providing more money and security for the family then the man of the house. Ronnie’s position was; he earned a comfortable living for his family, they were doing just fine when Barbara was staying home taking care of the house and children. It was Barbara’s idea to become a career woman and he was not going to do “woman’s work”. Family relations began to digress very rapidly with Ronnie becoming very jealous of some of Barbara’s male co-workers and the new car she purchased. Each one was trying to win the children over to their side of the argument. It just became a very ugly family environment and relationships were awful.

What Ronnie and Barbara had forgotten was a family is not about individuals, it’s about the family as a whole. Each member should have been invited to participate in Barbara’s decision to return to college. Any objections and or concerns should have been resolved at that point. Each member should give whatever they can to support the family and the collective family lends its support to each member. When Barbara decided to step out of her role as wife and mother to enter the workforce the family, including her husband Ronnie, should have helped her with family chores.   Ronnie must remember his self imposed “house work exempt status” when he was the bread winner of the family. Why shouldn’t Barbara have some consideration now that she is making the big bucks? The name of the game is love, trust, respect, communications compromise and support. Family members must work together to build a stronger family.

Controlling the demon of jealousy: Communicate, communicate and communicate. People must, calmly and rationally, communicate with each other freely expressing their feelings about things that are a concern. If a spouse feels their love one is giving too much attention to someone else it is imperative they discuss the issue immediately. Holding in one’s feeling of jealousy is like sitting on a ticking bomb, it’s going to go off and it will make a big mess. And sometimes the mess can’t be cleaned up. Talking about the situation removes the fuse from the bomb and allows time to safely dismantle and resolve the issue.

The same applies when one spouse has some advantage over the other; better income, advance degrees, etc. This advantage should not be viewed as a negative thing it should be viewed as a blessing from God to be used to help the family as a whole. Family members should love each other enough to want to share their blessing with each other. Of course family members should not take advantage of a member with a large income. Where there is love jealousy can not prevail.   Just as the body is made up of many parts so are the family and all family members should see themselves as all being equal with different roles all working together for the common good of the family.