A CHRISTIAN WALK MINISTRIES

Reverend Matthew & Mrs. Deborah Harper

Copy righted material

Teach your children the right path and when they are older they will remain upon it.

Proverbs 22:6 NLT

For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

Proverbs 3:11-12 NLT

I am starting this section with a story about my pre teen to teenage years. I will use this story to illustrate how my parents provided me with a very precious gift over the course of these developmental years. I focus on this gift and make it the centerpiece of this section because so many parents today fail to give it to their children. The gift is the opportunity to develop a sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance and independence through achievements. Simply put, my parents gave me the opportunity to develop and grow up by doing things for myself. They taught me the relationship between work and rewards. They provided for my needs very well but if I wanted something extra I had to work to get it. Countless are the times I have thanked them for this gift as it has served and continue to serve me so very well for so very long.

I got my first paper route at the age of twelve. This income gave me a great sense of independence in knowing I now had the power to select and buy the types of clothing I wanted to wear to school. When I was a teenager it took me over two years and many hours of working part-time jobs to earn $300 to purchase my first car. What a thrill! I felt like I could do anything! That was my first experience knowing the feeling of significant achievement. My self-esteem, pride and sense of self-worth were all off the charts. A few of my friends had old family cars that were given to them but they were denied the joyous feeling of independence that was mine. And they never experienced the love and sense of ownership, -- that only comes when you have earned something -- for their cars as I did for mine. When people asked “Where did you get that car?” I found deep satisfaction in replying “I bought it with my own money”. I’m much more humble today but still hang on to my independence.

“Oh what fun it is to be a friend, humbug to being a parent.” This mantra is acted out many times everyday by parents trying to cope with teenagers, and sometimes pre-teens, over whom they have little or no influence. Generally, the source of the problem in these situations is the parent’s inability to grasp their roles in parent child relationship. What they don’t comprehend is that in a proper relationship the parents develop the child. The child DOES NOT develop the parents.

Imagine a jar of clear water totally void of color just clear clean water. Now imagine you have several small bottles of food coloring and you begin to add a little of each color to the jar of clear water. First you may add a little red color, then some blue, then green. Each time you add a new color the jar takes on a different shade. At some point the water in the jar will assume a fixed shade and adding more colors will have little or no impact. If the proper colors are added the fixed shade will be a beautiful color. If the wrong colors are added the fixed shade will be an ugly color. Once the color is fixed there is very little you can do to change it. You are stuck with what you created.

The mind of a newborn child is like the clear water in the jar, waiting for the colors to be added. That is the responsibility of parents, adding the “colors” to the minds of their children. Some “colors” that may be added are, LOVE, INTEGRITY, COMPASSION, SELF-RELIANCE, RESPECT AND MERCY, to name a few. Parenthood and associated responsibilities are not optional, when you exercised your right to create the child; you earned the responsibilities of parenthood. What has to be determined is what kind of parents you will be. My parents colored me well with large measures of self-reliance, integrity and love.

The Bible is very clear, Pr 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Your job is to “color” the mind of your child. This is where the DDs come into play. You see the forces of the world (the DDs) would like very much to assume your job of coloring the minds of your children. The “colors” the world will add to your children minds are; greed, hate, lust, envy, murder, rape, addictions, and prejudice just to name a few. Obviously, how your children’s minds are colored will greatly determine their future and ultimately the future of the world.

You will have to make difficult choices; will one parent stay at home and develop the children or will both parents pursue a career so the parents can give the children “a better life?” Will you establish and enforce rules of conduct for your children (Pr 19:18, discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death) or forsake your responsibilities and become a “friend” to your children?   The DDs will always tempt you to take the easy way out by becoming a friend rather than a parent to your child. By abandoning your responsibilities you leave the task of developing your children to the world.

High cost of living often demands two incomes for a family to maintain a medium standard of living, that’s a fact of our modern society. But if we do not make the decisions and sacrifices required to allow us to full fill our responsibilities of developing the minds of our children neither they or society in general will have a “better life”. Our future is our children.

People with ugly shaded minds fill our prisons and undermine the tenets of a civilized society. The best way to be a real friend to our children is to accept our responsibilities as stated in Pr 22:15; Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. Become real parents that will always love their children first and discipline, not abuse, when necessary. That will be the most valuable gift any parent will ever give their child, the gift of a balanced and properly developed mind. A mind that seeks the truth and is not guided by every new theory, fad or opinion that pops up.

Large boats leave the shores and travel the oceans. As long as the waters are calm and they are headed in the right direction there is no problem. However, when the winds begin to blow and the waters become rough, the boat began to toss to and fro and side to side. It becomes difficult to stay upright. Maintaining a desired heading is all but impossible. The only thing that allows the boat to steer itself in the right direction, towards the safety of calm waters, is its rudder. Without a rudder the boat would be overcome by the rough waters and become lost at sea. This is why in the early years the boat builders always built a strong rudder and attach it solidly to the boat. The builders took various hardwood planks and joined them together to form a strong rudder. They may have used a combination of Oak, Hickory, Walnut, Cherry and other hardwoods to build the rudder.

It is the Parents responsibility to follow the same approach when “building” their children. They must be sure they solidly attach a strong rudder to their children before sending them out into the high seas of life. .When building the rudder the parents should use planks of Truth, Integrity, Respect, Self-reliance, Responsibility, Good Values, Honesty and other, proven hardwoods. This way the child will be able to successfully navigate the turbulent waters of life. The beautiful thing is when the children become adults they have models to use in building rudders for their children.

Building a proper rudder and properly coloring a young mind are parent’s jobs they should not and cannot be done by your government, a friend, or your children’s peers. Nor can they be done by parents that will not perform their responsibilities to their children as their parents.

Overcoming “I don’t want to be a parent”: Parenting is becoming a lost art form and many younger couples struggle with the concept. If you do not understand what a proper parent child relationship is seek counsel from elderly family members, church ministers or other professionals.

Love your children. Even in the most difficult times, always remember they are your flesh and blood. You may hate some of the things they do, but always love the child.

Respect your child and demand respect from them. This is the foundation on which a proper parent child relationship should be built. Always remember, you have to give respect to get respect.

Communicate with your children; really listen to them when they talk. If necessary set aside a time each day to talk with your children so you can know what’s going on in each other’s life. Communications is the bridge that keeps families connected.

Clearly communicate to your children by your words and actions that you are the parent(s) in the family and that you have responsibilities and authorities they do not have.

Build a trusting relationship with your children. This may prove difficult in cases. The trust must be mutual, you trust them and they must be able to trust you.

Explain to your children that you will always love them even when you do not agree with them or approve of things they have done or want to do.

Also explain to them you will always fill your obligations as a parent even if it means you will not be able to be a friend in a given situation.

Clearly explain to your children that every decision you make and every action you take regarding them is for their benefit. Your actions must backup your words or trust will be out the window in a heart beat.