You must make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you.

Colossians 3:13

Come let us reason together (Isaiah 1:18}

There will be conflicts in relationships. The question is what will be the results of these conflicts? This scripture; in your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Eph.4:26 NIV provides excellent advice on mitigating conflict damage.

There will be conflicts in relationships. The question is what will be the results of these conflicts? This scripture; in your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Eph.4:26 NIV provides excellent advice on mitigating conflict damage.  Many years ago in a time far removed from our modern society, life was simple and so were family relationships. Each family member had a role and everyone did what their role required. Obviously, today’s world is much more complex, roles are no longer as clearly defined and relationships are often much stressed by internal and external pressures. These six attributes essential if any relationship is to persist; LOVE, TRUST RESPECT, COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE AND SUPPORT.

Societal changes and mass media have greatly influenced attitudes toward family roles. Some fathers no longer want to accept the responsibilities associated with being head of household, they feel the load of providing for a family is too heavy and they should not have to carry this burden alone. Some mothers, rightly, feel they have the right to a career and an equal or, in some cases, a primary voice in family matters. Some children now feel their desires take precedence over general family welfare. Many parents feel it is more important, and easier, to be a friend to their children then performing their responsibilities as a parent. Because of the complex, dynamic and sometimes volatile nature of family relations there is potential for much damage when conflicts occur. Considerable time and effort is required to maintain any degree of peace and harmony in a modern household. A key thing to remember, money is not the panacea for all family ills. I want to put the money issue up front because so many families feel money can heal bad family relations, wrong! God has already provided the six (6) key ingredients; love, trust, respect, communications, compromise and support, freely for families that will accept Him. If all members of a family, or any social group, have these things and the fruit of the Spirit is at work in them, they are truly blessed and there are no obstacles they cannot overcome.

Table one show various family relationships; X reflects relations between the husband/father and the family, Y reflects wife/mother relations and Z reflects child relations to family. Box X1 asks what a man would expect to give his wife in his role as a husband. X2 asks what a man would expect to get from his wife in his role as a husband. Fortunately families generally don’t have conflict in all relationships shown in table one concurrently. Typically the conflict would be between husband and wife or parent and child but conflicts can exist between any members of a social group. Let’s look at relationship X1, husband giving to wife, and see how the table is used to analyze family relationships. At this point I would like to recommend an excellent book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that provides much deeper insight on husband and wife relationships.

Figure two

Relationship X1, Husband giving to wife: There are a wide range of things that husbands expect to give to their wife and let’s call these things contributions. However, three of the top ten contributions are; love, respect and support. This would appear to simplify the relationship but that is not the case.

What is love, what is respect and what is support? Again, there is a wide range of answers to each of these questions. Different cultures, environments and upbringing establish different perceptions of what these things are. Further, they establish varying notions as to how these thing; love respect and support are to be displayed.

Some men feel if they work and provide for their family needs they have adequately meet all the needs of family relationship. They feel no need to participate in after-school activities with the kids, movie nights, family dinner or any other family activity. Some might say this is the old caveman mentality of “man hunt, woman do everything else”

Other men work and provide for their families and they send time providing for their families emotional and spiritual needs. These men understand the six key ingredients of a good relationship; love, Trust, respect, communications, compromise and support and they also know how to apply these concepts in establishing and maintaining good family relationships. It is imperative that each family member understand these ingredients are reciprocal in nature; you must give them in order to receive them. (Mt. 7:12 Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) 

Next step in analyzing the relationship is to discuss (communication) and develop an agreed (compromise) upon definition of the contribution that is made to the relationship. Both parties in the relationship, in this case the husband (giver) and wife (receiver) must agree on the definition. Using the ingredient “LOVE” as a sample contribution this is an example of how a definition may be established;

Husband’s definition of love; Work and provide for family, buy flowers for wife on Valentines Day and birthday, and buy Christmas gift.

Wife’s definition love; Work and provide for family, buy flowers for wife every week and every all holidays, new car for Christmas gift, give wife monthly SPA weekend getaways and help with housework. Be attentive to family’s Spiritual and emotion needs

Agreed (compromise) upon definition of love; Work and provide for family, buy flowers for wife on Valentines Day, Mothers Day, and Birthday. Give wife new car every fifth Christmas if possible. Help children with homework three days per week. Help with housework if wife is working outside the house full-time. Be attentive to family’s Spiritual and emotion needs

The same method would be used to analyze each family relationship reflected in table one. Clearly any or all of the six ingredients of a good relationship would be employed in reaching an agreed upon definition of a contribution.

Poor communications is often a key barrier to reaching an agreed upon definition of what a person is expected to contribute. What teenagers perceive as helping out around the house and what their parents perceive are often totally different. For example;

Teen’s definition of helping out around the house; Take out garbage twice or year if they can remember, clean room when told, cut lawn when told if they can remember. Eat all leftovers promptly.

Parent’s definition; Take out garbage on garbage day, keep room clean (by parent’s standards), and cut lawn when needed (by parent’s standards). Leave some leftovers for rest of family.

Agreed upon definition; Take out garbage on garbage day, clean room weekly, cut lawn at least twice a month during growing season, and leave some leftovers for rest of family. Failure to do these things will result in lost of some or all weekly allowance monies.

Controlling the demon of family relationship conflicts; earlier we concluded inevitably there will be conflicts in relationships. However, we must learn to control our actions (demons) when conflicts occur. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Eph.4:26 NIV. First we must go to God in prayer and ask Him to give us strength to control our anger and our tongues so we do not sin as we reason together in resolving our conflicts.

Communicating ones’ feeling is very important step towards controlling this demon. Suppressed feelings are like an untreated wound, they continue to fester and eventually will do great harm. When my wife and I were spending our first day in our first apartment we agreed to try to settle any disagreements before days’ end. At that time I did not have a close walk with God but I had read the above scripture and taken it to heart. We still try to reason together and resolve any conflicts before days’ end. I feel that is one of the main reasons for our marriage lasting over 46 years.

To illustrate how critical clear communications can be I will tell you about Bill, who was a neighbor of our in northern California. Our house was one of seven on a cul-de-sac. We started a weekly bible study group rotating meetings between our homes. Initially Bill was not a member of the group but we eventually got the opportunity to invite him to a meeting. After a few meetings Bill began to open up more to the group and told us he had been wrestling with an issue for a very long time and the issue was becoming more pressing in his older years. Bill told us he had not spoken to one of brothers in over twenty years. One year at their annual family reunion Bill overheard a comment by his brother that hurt him very deeply. He elected not to discuss the comment with his brother. Bill decided that since he lived over 1000 miles from his brother he would just keep his distance and avoid going to family reunions if his brother would be there. We prayed with Bill and encouraged him to attempt re-establishing a relationship with his brother.

Bill went to his families’ reunion that summer and talked to his brother. They discovered the whole thing was a gross misunderstanding. Bill had simply heard a part of the story and had understood his brothers’ comment totally out of context. It was all a mistake but that mistake had built a wall between two brothers for more then twenty years. Good news is Bill and his brother restored their relationship, bad news is Bill died two years later. Had all the key ingredients of good relationships; love, trust, respect, communications, compromise and support, been working in Bills family Bill would have taken the time to communicate his feeling to his brother the same day he felt offended and they would not have lost those twenty years of brotherly relationships.

It takes time and effort to build and maintain good family relations. However, when all members in a relationship has Christian LOVE, as defined in 1 Co. 13:4-8, for each other the time and effort will be well rewarded with a more loving, harmonious, successful and peaceful family.

A CHRISTIAN WALK MINISTRIES

Reverend Matthew & Mrs. Deborah Harper

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